It's not easy when a student you taught took his own life.

A question lingers persistently at the back of my mind: Could I have made a difference?

Of course I'm not so presumptuous to think that I had touched his life in a significant way. After all, I only teach him PW (co-teach actually) for four weeks, and the structure of the lesson was such that I had not much chance to build rapport with the class. I was just one of the many teachers he had, an indistinguishable outline among the crowd, thus there was no reason to imagine that he would have come to me for help.

Nevertheless the question continues to linger. Not just for any teacher who has taught him, but for anyone who has felt his presence, no matter how transient the acquiantance was.

Wednesday was a horrible day, when I walked into the class for the first time after the most unfortunate event. When Suzie broke down in front of her class, I could imagine how traumatic it was for her. It is one of the worst emotions that a teacher can feel: the sense of helplessness that one was not able to do something more for one's student.

Such an acute mind, so unusual from our students. Such confidence in the way he speaks, so different from his peers. Potential too vast to measure remain unrealized, dreams too numerous to count stay unfulfilled.

While I find it hard to understand why he did this, I do respect his decision and I can only hope that it was all for the best.

May you find solace and respite in the next journey.

A Tribute to Someone whose name I do not know

I don't know your name, and I might never have the chance to find out.
After all, barely five words were exchanged between us.
You left before I knew you were leaving,
and who knows if we will ever play together again?

Is it sheer physical proximity
that caused me to listen to what you play?
Is it because I see a part of you in me
that I tried to put myself in your shoes?
I witness and I am aware of, the efforts that you put in.
I hear and I can relate to, the music which you play.
I observe and I took note, the skill with which you arranged your parts.

How can I fault the hand which holds the baton, when adroit players themselves have failed to see what you had realized?
How can I blame the tongues which wag, when they are accustomed to what they have chosen to hear?
How can I shake my own head. when I myself have elected to remain silent?

It might have been a relief to you, a chance for you to get out of the mess.
It might have been a blow to you, a setback which you would never recover from.
Your feelings I will never know, just like I will never know your name.
And you will never know, because I never had the courage to tell you.

One of the saddest thing than can happen to a teacher: It's 5.30pm, after a long tiring day and the attendants are threatening to lock you in the staff room if you don't get out in time. You turn off your laptop, tidy up your desk, try and decide which piles of assignments to bring home for marking(which you usually bring back to school the next day untouched). You say your goodbyes to fellow teachers who look as tired as you are. You clock yourself out of the biometric system, and there you are standing in front of the row of staff pigeon holes. You dig out your keys, bend down to open your pigeon hole with expectation, and there is...................nothing inside except for a few specks of dust. Despite all the promises of renewed vigor in your assignment.

It's like ...you see your best friend online, you initiate a MSN conversation and started unleashing all that you want to say to him....and then after a furore of detailed and meticulously planned utterances, you discover that he had been disconnected and none of those sentences got to him.

Ah..it really makes your day.

Would you prefer to teach secondary school or JC? A question that I have asked and have been asked numerous times.

For me it's more about preferring teaching GP to teaching English rather than JC vs Sec School per se. GP is so much more interesting..I get to do research about many fascinating stuff (although I always get censored by the school network for trying to access violent/explicit websites...hey can't be helped..that's the nature of the subject! To show the various perspectives!) Reading what students have to say in GP essays is also more interesting (most of the time..except for the dreaded "I agree to a large extent.") than reading silly stories written by secondary school students (And having to read cliche openings and nonsensical stories.......although I do miss having a good laugh =p)

And I love GP because I get to argue * eyes lit up * but sadly very few students want to argue with me. (Actually they do, but only about silly things like "can we extend the deadline" and "no you didn't tell us!"..not very intellectually stimulating!)

Having said that I do miss my lovely GMSS students(though I'm affirmative NOT all of them miss me...=p). But sometimes in secondary school I have to resort to so much nagging and scolding that I just dread myself. Hmm..on second thoughts I might have to resort to that even in JC.

Blogging again! After the onslaught of verbal assualts and physical intimidation from friends and students, I type this entry with the utmost reluctance. (Only when someone threatened to ban me from accessing her rather entertaining blog)

Since i have tons of marking to do(convenient excuse), I'll just give a brief update of my life in case you haven't contacted me for the past few months.

1. Graduated from NIE, although I did not attend the ceremony, neither did I collect my scroll. It's just too much of a hassle, with NIE being so far away and having to reschedule and make up my lessons. Anyway NIE wasn't such a defining moment of my life that I felt compelled to go for the ceremony, although I did miss the chance to meet up with the 13 gorgeous girls who are my classmates.

2. Went on a self-planned trip to Shanghai-Hangzhou-Suzhou. Not very uplifting, I would say, or like what Kaile might say, it's "approaching expectations". It was enjoyable, definitely, but somehow it just lacked the "oomph" which I got from Japan and Switzerland. The best part was the cheap books and DVDs/VCDs ..I have tonnes of books and Jap dramas (legal copies..i.e. non-pirated) which I have no time to finish(and here I am writing this entry......see Angie..how nice I am)

3. posted to SAJC. (If you don't know this by now you probably don't know me personally) To be honest I was a little upset initially, since another school had accepted me and I was all mentally geared towards that....quite a shock when I saw my posting. Well but it turned out to be a nice place..my colleagues are really nice, warm and helpful except one person (no prizes for guessing who) ...oops can't bitch here, so I'm really glad that things worked out.

4. My students are...............nice. Oops I think as a GP tutor I should refrain from using some bland and emotionally lacking words like "nice"..but then I can't type while keeping my fingers crossed. ok I'll try my best...they are interesting and funny people, rather amusing, although some are in a higher state of inertia and require more prodding....

5. Became teacher-in-charge of SAJC Band. Wow...an astonishing group of people. Both in terms of musical excellence and vibrancy. I was truly touched and impressed several times over the past month, during the concert, practices, band dinner, etc...although i did not have much chance to interact with them as yet, though I'm sure that'll change with time to come.

6. Performed with Hsing Hai. Wow this concert like clashed with SAJC Band's..so I was rushing back and forth several times that day..nearly killed me in the process. I realized it had been almost a year since I last performed on stage..quite a feat for me! Guess I won't be performing much now that I'm no longer a part of any musical group. (Flo...that's not an excuse to ask me to play the violin during GP =p)

7. Speaking of which..I bought a $1200 violin after coming back from China. Blew my budget..but just couldn't resist when they started dangling more and more expensive violins in front of me. My intended budget was only $600-$800. Sigh..well guess I'd have to wait a couple of months more for my piano.

Gosh..I lead a sad life..I can't even come up with more than 7 points to summarize two months of my life. And 5 of these revolve around the school. My social life's at stake!