Have I changed?

Too many people are saying that I have changed. Have I changed? (If you have known me for more than one year, and have been in touch with me recently you are in a position to answer)

Well...2005's been an eventful year. It's the year I ORD. It's the year I went into NIE. It's the year that I went to Switzerland. It's the year that I am going to Japan. It's the year that I chose to (almost) sever all my ties with the COs I am in. Still I do not think that I have changed(much). It's the circumstances around me that have changed. I remain stoic as the world continue to evolve.

I can hardly believe that all of a sudden I am so detached from CO. And yet in a way I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't that difficult or unbearable. You say I used to be so involved, so committed. You remind me of the countless times I cancel on appointments because of last minute rehearsals. You recount the fact that I was hardly ever free during weekends because all my free time was taken up by CO. Ya ya blah blah blah.....

Well I certainly did not sign a life contract when I joined any of the COs. Yes i was involved and committed and that pained me most when I see what is happening. I reiterate: I have not changed. It's the circumstances that have changed.

You say that I have turned my back on CO? You say that by picking up the violin I'm betraying a good friend? That's so illogical and crappy that I normally will not bother to rebuke you, but I shall. For your info my first involvement in music was when I took organ lessons at Christofori. I played euphonium in my pri school band before I joined CO in sec school. I played classical guitar before I picked up any of the numerous Chinese plucked string instruments that I now play. If it makes you feel better, maybe you can view it as me returning to my Western musical roots instead of me turning my back on CO. But seriously I couldn't care less.

Not playing in an orchestra does not mean I'm no longer involved in Chinese music. I won't be surprised if I'm still spending more time on my instruments than the average CO member. I can appreciate music as a member of the audience; not being on the stage does not make me less of a musician. Besides I have never said that I'm not going to join CO anymore, I'm just saying that maybe the COs that I have been playing at are not the place for me to be in anymore.

And if it pleases you, you have just spoilt my mood for the whole weekend.